My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
You Might Also Like
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
spot the difference
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.