“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
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Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Is your wife single?
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
#oldknees
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”