One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.