I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
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Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.