My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
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I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…