Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
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My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Last-minute gift idea!
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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