Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
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I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Don’t talk down to me
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.