Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
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just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
The prophecy is fulfilled
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.