Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
You Might Also Like
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.