ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Hamburger Hinderer.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao