*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
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Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
No chill.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]