she has a smile full of sesame seeds
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The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow