me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
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Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally