Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
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my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
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Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
dude it’s called proctologist
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if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.