*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
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Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️