okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
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Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
broke down and did it
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*