Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
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In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Hot Panini is in big trouble
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
pat pat
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.