Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
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ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Florida be like…
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.