The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
You Might Also Like
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Need WebMD
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”