wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
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Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL