I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
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Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them