[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
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GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*