When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
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My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!