Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
You Might Also Like
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.