Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
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“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
We have a winner.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”