My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
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Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Best spoiler warning ever
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
black phone good
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.