Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
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Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
it’s a van. how do they not know this
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider