Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
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Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
*offers Batman cough drops*
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.