What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear