My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
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Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
When I snag the last meatball.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail