No chill.
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You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
😅😅😅
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
(Jupiter –
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd