I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
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To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
choose your gary
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Meow
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁