It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
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My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.