Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
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Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.