A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
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Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
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[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Ok, but like, how married are you?
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them