normalize having existential bread
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me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My work here is done
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals