[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
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I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy