My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
You Might Also Like
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
just witnessed a drug deal
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
In space, no one can hear…
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.