Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
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[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky