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Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
This kid is a star!
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Don’t frighten the programmers!
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?