Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
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what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev