teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
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roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Meow?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk