These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
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Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
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