“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
You Might Also Like
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Aaaa…CHOO!
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.