“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
You Might Also Like
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?