My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
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*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
That lamp looks PISSED.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.