Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
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I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Mouse
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂