I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
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Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
i smell a pulitzer
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Hmm, not sure about this change
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.