I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
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you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.