If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
You Might Also Like
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.